I used to have an unusual fascination with reading one star Trip Advisor reviews. I have always wanted to reply to these people but unfortunately, Trip Advisor will not let me do this. To make this possible I have pasted some reviews I’ve found from various places and replied to them as I would if I were the management of the place they are complaining about.
Of the many things I don’t think I’d excel at, customer service must be right up there. I’m actually delighted about this because dealing with such shit would probably lead to a severe atrocity.
The first set of replies are from Miller and Carter. If there’s anything to get people frothing from the mouth it’s going to be paying £25 for a steak.
By sheer coincidence vegetarians feature in a few of these. I have no agenda against vegetarians. People can do or think what they want, No one fucking cares. Just shut the fuck up about it and don’t try and claim some moral superiority.
Title: Gave up and left without eating
We visited Miller and Carter last night for the first time, as a treat for my husband’s birthday. We were looking forward to it as we don’t go out often and he does love a good steak!
We ordered and the food arrived promptly – so far so good – but I had his steak and he had my sirloin. We couldn’t swap as we my husband is a coeliac and I had gluten filled sides on my plate. The waiter apologised and sent them back. Not the end of the world…
Ten minutes or so later, they arrived again but once again I had a t bone and he had my sirloin. This time, the sirloin was well done so although my husband had ordered a medium tbone, he was hungry and said he would eat the thing.
I really wanted my medium rare sirloin so the steak went back again and my husband ate his birthday meal alone while I nibbled on my lettuce and sweet potato fries.
My third steak arrived and was finally correct. It was very nice, for a few bites, until I came across a huge seam of fat running right through it. I persevered but it was sadly inedible. My husband called the manager who came over and apologised, sort of.
He initially said we wouldn’t have to pay for that steak but didn’t offer any other kind of gesture. We pointed out that my husband’s birthday had been spoilt and he also hadn’t had the steak he actually ordered. The manager kind of grudgingly said that we wouldn’t have to pay for anything. He did point out that the restaurant was full and seemed to be implying that everyone else was happy.
So we left. It was an all round very disappointing experience and we certainly won’t be going back.
Response:
Dear Customer,
Firstly, I would like to note that your title of “Gave up and left without eating” is entirely misleading. It would appear that you ate everything in sight, moaned about it and then ended up paying absolutely fuck all.
We would like to pass on our many congratulations for your husband’s birthday and we are absolutely delighted that he “Loves his steak”.
Unfortunately this is where the goodwill ends. I would like to ask why you didn’t swap the fucking steaks on your plates in order to have the correct sides. I admit I’m not a scientist but I’m not convinced something with gluten in it brushing his steak will do anything. Surely by this logic he’d be in serious danger if someone threw a bowl of rice at him.
I sympathise that it must have been absolutely devastating for your husband having to eat his steak (which would turn out to be free) on his own because you had sent your food back to the kitchen for the 15th time.
Finally, the team is absolutely staggered that you found a huge seam of fat in a steak. We have passed this feedback onto our suppliers for them to investigate.
You must have led a very sheltered life if a free meal ruins a “Special occasion”.
We hope to see you again,
All the team!
Title: Appalling
Our table was a group of 10 people celebrating two families joining together from the engagement of myself and my partner. All very much looking forward to enjoying our meals, most of our group had previously eaten in Miller & Carter restaurants in other locations with much satisfaction and no problems. However, today was different. Almost everyone knows M&C are famous for their lovely steaks and beef dripping sauce, well you can see from the photos that the beef dripping sauce was not up to it’s usual standard. It was almost transparent, watery and quite frankly disgusting! We each reluctantly tasted it and there was no flavour at all, just grease. We raised the issue with the waitress who said she was very sorry and she was waiting for this to happen. She brought out different sauces for everyone, I went without because I don’t like any other that they have. She didn’t take the beef dripping sauces away so we were eating our food while watching this disgusting concoction form a fatty layer which quite frankly turned my stomach. My steak wasn’t very nice, it was dry and looked grey, so I left most of it. After the meal I spoke to the waitress again, explained the situation and that we weren’t happy and requested to not pay for the sauces. I said that I’d like her to pass on my comments to the manager and would gladly speak to him/her in person to resolve the issue. The bill came, full price, we paid in excess of £260.00 and left a generous tip. No sign of the manager, no apology, no reduction in the bill. Two members of our group have a career in the catering industry, one a chef, the other a baker and lecturer in the industry – both appalled and disgusted by this experience. We were told that they had low stock of the beef dripping sauce but yet they still tried to thin it out with oil and goodness knows what else to make it stretch between so many people! They should have taken it off the menu, we all could have ordered differently and maybe our special day wouldn’t have been spoiled. We are all very annoyed and disappointed with Miller & Carter Thornhill Cardiff.
Response:
Dear Customer,
I am utterly devastated to hear that your latest trip to Miller & Carter was not up to our usual magnificent standards.
Firstly, you said that the beef dripping was watery, greasy and quite frankly disgusting. I’m not sure if you’re aware but beef dripping is just all the shit that comes off the meat during the cooking process. I’m not entirely sure what you were expecting here young man.
I have shown this feedback around the team and we are all in agreement that you are an absolute soldier for reluctantly tasting the sauce.
One of our esteemed waiters “David Blunkett” did make a good point though. Your stomach churns at the sight of congealed fat but you are more than happy to eat a rotting carcass.
We were pleased to hear that your experience was so traumatising that you paid the bill in full and left a generous tip.
We look forward to seeing you again,
All the team!
Title: Totally crap!
When it comes to ambience and lights and background ‘clinks’ of glasses and a over heated building then this place wins the prize. When it comes to food and efficiency then it loses hands down! Ordered the tagliatelle… Disaster. Nothing at all for vegetarians. I think miller and Carter dislike vegi’s….who knows. But pasta is the most simplest thing to cook so how can a chef who makes grills all days get that so wrong. It turned up dry, without any sauce and literally burned. They expected me to eat that???!! Think again. I asked for parmesan it came in a bowl…chopped. I think the waitress was confused when I said parmesan should be grated, as she insisted that it was grated. Don’t know where she learned grating from. Requested another go at the dish but it took over 15mins for the next dish to turn up. I give up. Its just an awful place to come and eat..not a family dining atmosphere at all. Hire a new chef!!
Response:
Dear Customer,
Thank you for your feedback. I sincerely hope that your job does not require critical thinking, because you made one hell of an error by attending a STEAK HOUSE as a vegetarian.
I’d like to address the slanderous comment “Miller & Carter dislike vegi’s”. I can categorically state that we do not dislike vegis – We HATE them.
In all seriousness, since showing this review to our head chef he has been inconsolable and we are really concerned about his well being. We are definitely going to look into replacing him because he didn’t satisfy your pasta order in a steakhouse.
Please visit again,
All the team!
Title: Rude staff
I am a vegetarian, however this place was recommended by a fellow vegetarian and my mother loves steak so we decided to give it a try. on arrival we were seated and I perused the menu noting various vegetarian dishes, however when the waiter arrived my mother mentioned I was vegetarian expecting the waiter to point out the vegetarian meals and recommend a dish, but instead our waiter all of a sudden became very rude and said ‘this is a steakhouse’ and walked off. We were very humiliated as it was quite loud and all the surrounding tables were watching so we also got up and walked out, we will not be spoken to in this manor by anyone, this is Cardiff a very diverse city and I have been to many a steakhouse of much higher class than this before with friends who aren’t vegetarian and had lovely meals, I have never had a restaurant treat my dietary requirements with such disgust before and it is unacceptable.
Response:
Dear Customer,
Rolf Harris once told me “How do you tell if someone is a vegetarian? They tell you within the first sentence.”
Now for all Rolf’s faults, he was spot on. The first thing that took my attention here is that you had already perused the menu for various vegetarian dishes but felt the need to get your mother to tell one of my brave and loyal waiters that you were “one of them.”
I have since reprimanded the employee with a severe smack on the bottom for making you feel humiliated.
Your point about diversity is an interesting one. My head chef is a midget and he is always being mocked for his inability to reach the gas hob. He laughs it off and takes it in his stride.
My point is that he didn’t choose to be physically incapable of opening a door, but you chose to be a vegetarian and attended a Steakhouse, so fuck off.
We do however hope we can persuade you to attend again so we can rectify the situation,
All the team!
Title: Comedy
In short as per a lot of other reviews a poor experience from the minute we walked in. The steak I ordered wasn’t cooked as requested and I had a good laugh with the waiter at the size of the lettuce wedge. I say wedge you had to peer in to the bowl to find it, kicking myself for not taking a picture. The sauces with the mains were on the wrong plates which raised suspicion. Then a second set of steaks were delivered shortly after and when it dawned we had already been served much to the surprise of the server diverted to another table . Given the faulty towers feel I’m convinced the tables were mixed up and I did raise at the time to be assured no. Not convinced, so there was probably two tables with incorrectly cooked steaks.
Response:
Dear Customer,
I have to say your joke didn’t go amiss. We shared it about and we all had a good laugh. Too much if anything.
We are also kicking ourselves that you didn’t take a picture!
With respect, it’s a piece of lettuce for fuck sake. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and reassess your priorities in life.
Please call again for more laughs,
All the team!
Title: Staff are rude
Visited today with my partner and 3 children we were turned away as they said was no table available for 2-3 hours we could tell from the vibe this wasnt the reason so we left and phoned to book a table of 6 which they said was available in the next 30 mins! So my partner said how come we was just turned away then as there were no seats available ….. my partner was in a tracksuit which cost 280 pound but apparently there is a dress code ! But because our dress code didnt fit in with their dress code they refused us but didnt have the guts to say it to us and lied about seating arrangements ! Rude staff who didnt look much more presentable than myself and my family ! Would never attempt to go again ! Their loss as went elsewhere and had 3 course meals for the 5 of us ! Dont visit
Response:
Dear Customer,
I am deeply sorry to hear that we were unable to accommodate your meal.
I have referred this to the manager on duty that day and he said the following: “Jesus Christ love, get the message – we don’t want to serve people who are thick enough to spend £280 on a tracksuit. Or even worse, brag about it.”
Please call again,
All the team!
This is from another Restaurant.
There were just the three of us for our Christmas meal and we were greeted warmly, sat down to await or table and served drinks. All good so far, but one of our party is vegetarian…
So my sisters meal was brought out and her husbands, followed by my vegetarian nut roast. Still all is well…
“Brussel sprouts sir? “, “yes please… “carrots sir?? ” ,”yes please ” . ” roast potatoes sir? “, “why thank you “.
Oh no, the potatoes are cooked in duck fat….
My sister goes and speaks to the owners daughter to give a little feed back.. Still, it’s only a little thing at that moment; but wait! The owners daughter then comes to the table (having spoken to the chef) and assures me that if there is a vegetarian on the table, then only vegetarian roast potatoes are served! Hmm, OK, I don’t buy it as I’ve taste buds and a greasy texture in my mouth, but I can’t really be bothered and just want to move on, but this is just about to get epic…
A young waitress now approaches the table with a bowl of different looking roast potatoes and says “vegetarian roast potatoes? ” to our table!
Now most people would confess to a cock up at this point,but no! The owners daughter now doubles down and waves the young waitress off and away whilst continuing her bravado!!!
Unreal!!!
If your vegetarian, stay away and if you’re not beware the blatant lies from the owners daughter!!
Response:
Dear Customer,
I am deeply concerned that some potatoes were not cooked to your liking.
Normally, we cater for vegetarians by cooking the potatoes in some vegetarian friendly oil. Please be aware that oil is essentially fat, so it is very likely that this greasy texture you speak of was caused by the oil.
Unfortunately for you, on this occasion and purely to spite you – we cooked the roast potatoes in duck fat and the residue of a recently dismembered duck carcass.
We would like to thank you for your feedback and the warning for other self righteous vegetarians to stay away.
We look forward to seeing you again,
All the team!
This is from a Chip shop.
Title: Awful staff
I’ve been going here for years and the food is pretty ok but the staff are the rudest that I’ve met. No smiles, sour faces and the old woman (with the black hair) that does the frying of the chips couldn’t be ruder if she tried. Went tonight and felt truly offended by the attitude and the under the breath comments when asking for my order.
Something so simple and easily done is always the hardest thing to achieve. Cook fish and chips, smile, serve the customers, take the money and everyone is happy – its amazing that this place is still in business.
Response:
Dear Customer,
Firstly, thank you for repeatedly attending our establishment for years and only now leaving a one star review.
I’m disappointed with your comments about our “old woman with the black hair” Sandra. She’s actually schizophrenic and has paralysis of the face and is unable to smile.
Please think before you comment about people’s mannerisms and demeanour as you never know what’s going on inside someone’s head. Their dog could have died, or they could have just been sexually assaulted by Rolf Harris.
I agree with the simplicity comment. To quote Bill Gates “If you want a job done quickly, give it to the laziest person and they will find the quickest way.”
I am incredibly proud of my lazy and ignorant staff.
We hope to see you again,
All the team!
This is from a Farm Shop.
Title: Arrogance and dangerous
Question are there any nuts in that cake
Answer no but we prepared it in a nut environment
Question is there any bleach in the cake as I no doubt believe you use bleach in your kitchen
Be serious about allergies or face high cost legal actions including manslaughter
Unprofessional could not care less comments will not save you negligence always wins in court
Wake up and be responsible
Response:
Dear Customer,
We are very sorry to hear that serving you a slice of cake could have potentially amounted to your death.
I’m not sure because i haven’t read the health and safety manual, but i would assume that stating it was prepared in a nut environment was to ensure fucking idiots like you don’t sue people for innocently serving a slice of cake.
I’m interested to see what negligence charges you are going to bring against us for telling you that your beloved cake was prepared in a nut environment.
I can only hope that you are a supporter of Donald Trump and follow his instructions on the use of bleach.
Please visit again as we will bake you a nut roast on the house,
All the team!
The following are from various pubs.
Title: Shocking
We booked for Christmas Day and at £75 per head it was shocking, astonished to think that any chef would think casserole vegetables on a plate for Christmas Day would be exceptable . Sprouts; only two of were black, roasts were undercooked and very pale. No roast parsnips or turines of individual vegetables. Diced carrot and swede mixed like a casserole mix were the only vegetables to offer. Was not tasty think they lost the seasoning.
It didn’t feel Christmassy what so ever. More than dissapointed especially with the cost charged. chef should be ashamed absolute muck. The look on people’s faces said it all would definitely not recommend or re visit. You’ll be lucky if you get any bookings for 2020
Response:
Dear Customer,
We are very sorry that your expectations were not met during your latest visit.
I am actually astonished that you have the BARE ARSED cheek to suggest that a chef should be ashamed of himself when you chose to spend your Christmas day eating in a pub, you embarrassing cunt.
Please visit again,
All the team!
Title: Dark fruits
I attended the “” with friends and ordered the dark fruits. Once served I observed that it was the wrong colour. My friend noted that it was actually Stowford press although advertised as strongbow. When questioning staff he was actually threatened. The laughable point was that my STRONGBOW dark fruits was served in this glass!!! Be careful what you order is not always what you will get!!
Response:
Dear Customer,
Thank you for bringing this to our attention.
We will be careful not to serve a more expensive pint of cider for a lesser price in future.
We look forward to seeing you again,
All the team!
Title: Long
Came today to have food. Still waiting by the way starters were about an hour ago never eating here again. People who ordered food when I was getting drinks 20 mins prior to ordering food are now eating. It’s a no from me
Response:
Dear customer,
We really value your custom, but please GO UP AND ASK THEN YOU FUCKING EMBARRASSING CUNT.
Kind Regards,
All the team!
Title: Absolutely filthy
Visited today after a funeral for drinks. Went straight to the ladies and the smell inside was disgusting. Stale pee. Smelt like old outside men’s toilets. The carpets were stinking. The toilets were filthy. The windows were so dirty you actually couldn’t see out of them in one corner of the pub and that was where the best view was. The whole place is in desperate need of a complete refurb but even saying that there is NO excuse for it being CLEAN. I was straight in my bag for a bottle of sanitiser and the straight out the door. I WILL NOT be going back there. What a shame as it has beautiful surroundings and a huge outside space, Down to BRAINS to sort this place out.
Response:
Dear Customer,
We are deeply upset that you thought that our establishment was absolutely filthy.
I am pleased that you say there is “No excuse for it being clean”. This is rather contradictory to your first statement, if anything we have well exceeded your expectations.
We are thrilled that you carry round a bottle of hand sanitiser. It could be absolutely vital during unprecedented times such as these. As a gesture of goodwill, we would be delighted to sell you a 200ml bottle for a discounted price of £149.99.
It’s just a shame that there weren’t more pressing matters on your mind like the person who had just died.
We would love to see you again,
All the team!
The Groans of an Eternal Pessimist 