Dream Dinner Table

I was watching YouTube videos of Kim Woodburn recently and it made me wonder who I would invite to my dream dinner party.

The idea of a dinner party absolutely sickens me. In my head, every dinner party consists of pretentious cunts sitting round a £500 dining table, eating overcooked shit food and bragging about how their son called Tarquin has done his first shit in a potty three months ahead of schedule.

A plethora of dick measuring about who has got the best car, whose job promotion is the best or who has the most expensive patio heater. The list is endless. 

I’m fully aware this probably doesn’t happen in the main, but even the possibility that it does is enough to fill my inner soul with an equal sense of amusement and heart sinking dread.

It quickly became clear that to fill the numbers on my dinner table I’d have to include some fictional characters. This is partly because I’m more likely to form an emotional bond with a fictional character and partly because I would not want to inflict my disgraceful presence on a select few living, breathing and shitting human beings that I highly respect.

I would hope that a dinner party of mine would consist of Rib eye steaks, decent lager, decent whisky, and extended periods of deafening silence. 

Kim Woodburn

Right at the top of the list and sitting beside me at the head of the table is of course Kim Woodburn. I watched Celebrity Big Brother a few years back purely because she was on it. She didn’t let me down and was absolutely superb. She thoroughly amused me throughout the series and I would back her to the death against her fellow housemates. 

Initially, I’m sure I’d have to carefully implement a strategy to get her on side, but I’m confident that I would. I would probably make a comment about whether she’s had her hair done recently because it looks absolutely lovely.

I do this to my Nan from time to time and she fucking loves it. Kim would be calling me Luvvy and fetching me beers from the fridge in no time.

Oksana Astankova (Villanelle) – Killing Eve

I started watching Killing Eve the other month and I instantly fell in love with the lead character Villanelle. She is pretty much the perfect woman. Aside from her sensational looks, she has a great sense of humour and the added bonus is she’d probably murder you in your sleep for absolutely no reason.

Judy Murray

The third and final woman on the table. I have great admiration for Judy, and my rowing machine is named in honour of her. Like her son, she has a decent sense of humour which is misunderstood by the British public. It’s probably because they don’t beam gormlessly, talk utter shit or make jokes about why the chicken crossed the road. Unfortunately, Andy is omitted from the list in case there is any chemistry between me and Judy.

Ray & Shaine from The Undateables

In absolutely no way am I taking the piss out of these lads by adding them to the table. Quite the opposite, I think they are absolutely magnificent human beings who have been born without a CUNT bone in their body. If the rest of the human race were like this I would have no reason to moan.

Kev from Derek

Kev has made it onto the table because I think he is the greatest character Ricky Gervais has ever created. Gareth Keenan runs Kev very close, but Kev emerges victorious. I would absolutely fucking love to have a beer with Kev as we shit ourselves simultaneously.

Marcelo Bielsa

Marcelo Bielsa is my favourite footballer manager in the world. His intense, obsessive attention to detail makes me weak at the knees. I thought I was intense and obsessive but Marcelo is insane. I would absolutely love to sit on a bucket and have a beer with him discussing how much of a cunt Jose Mourinho is. I am going to write to him one day asking how he deals with being such a freak of nature.

Kim Jong Un

I’d love to share a few Cognac’s with this fat little cunt. I would love to know what is going on in his head and also congratulate him on his Winter Olympic gold medals. The place fascinates me and I’d love to visit it. I’d prefer to invite his father but unfortunately it’s not possible because he’s DEAD.

The best thing I’ve ever read about his father is this:

“The moment of his birth was foretold by the flight of a swallow and the appearance of a bright, new star in the sky. Three weeks later, Kim was able to walk. And, only five weeks after that, he began to speak. That same biography also explained that the Supreme Commander never made a bowel movement.”

Who doesn’t want to have a beer with a man who has never had a shit?

Kimi Raikkonen

In my opinion, Kimi is by far the best sports personality in the world. He absolutely fucking despises interaction of any kind and will not conform to the pathetic cliched bollocks other sportsmen do. If he was British he would be deemed rude and boring. I would absolutely love to have a beer, whisky and a cigar with Kimi in deafening silence.

Paolo Di Canio

I add Paolo to the table with a sense of trepidation due to the fact i love the bloke. Paolo is a great man but he is genuinely mental. My only fear is that we could have a falling out after I get distressed by his 100 mile an hour behaviour. However, the chance to have a beer with such a magnificent man is too big an opportunity to pass up.

Ederson Moraes

I’ve had a lot of time for Ederson ever since I saw him run round a player 30 yards from his goal. He doesn’t seem to possess any fear, and I couldn’t give a fuck who he plays for or how much he gets paid, no other cunt does it. He probably walks his dog in the fast lane of the motorway and could probably play centre midfield for West Ham.

Ron Hayward

There was a story years ago about a couple who had gone to the papers because they were refusing to pay a Virgin bill for adult movies. The best thing about this is the picture which heads the story. Ron’s wife clenching the bill in defiance, and Ron looking on perplexed knowing the situation has gotten way out of hand. Reading between the lines, the bloke is bang to rights and that is why he takes a spot at the table. What a man.

David Charlton

I watched a documentary on Strangeways prison years ago and this bloke was on there. Basically, all he does is continually get locked up because he can’t be bothered looking after himself. He goes on dirty protests for absolutely no reason, shitting and smearing excrement over every part of his cell. I’d be surprised if he was still alive, but if he is, I’d love to invite him to my dinner party and find out what the fuck is wrong with him.

Raymond Reddington

Raymond Reddington is almost in the Denzel Washington category for slickness and this is why he completes the table line up. I have previously bought a top hat in honour of Raymond. I regularly drink whisky heavily while wearing it.

And that completes the line up. An interesting dynamic.

On a final note, I have just finished reading a book about the concept of fear and the power of positive thought. As you can see, it has worked fucking wonders. Maybe next time I will write about my deep inner love for myself, universal energy or my connection with my higher fucking self.