A number of years ago I created the concept “CUNTED SUNDAY PURCHASES”. This was in a bid to deal with the utterly sickening week that lay ahead. I would trademark it but it costs too much.
The saying “You don’t hate Mondays, you just have a shit life” is very true. I actually quite enjoy Mondays to be honest, if only to see the pain on other commuters faces. It’s always a good sign waking up fully clothed on a Monday morning soaked in alcohol. My mattress looks like a team of rugby players have pissed all over it.
Then there’s the driving about unable to see, with the added bonus of the frequently occurring MONDAY MELTDOWNS. Another thing i’d like to trademark.
The cunted part is about being heavily intoxicated whilst making mostly extravagant purchases. Sunday is a truly magnificent day to drink, so I created CSP as a release shot, much like a batsman in cricket to get off the mark. Release all the angst and tension.
What prompted me to write this was due to a recent purchase. I purchased a weighted gravity blanket for SEVENTY NINE POUNDS, NINETY NINE PENCE. They make all sorts of claims. It helps: Autism, ADHD, Insomnia, Anxiety etc. The list is endless. The “reviews” of this were something like 5* on amazon from hundreds of reviews.
I am the last person in the world to trust reviews because one of my other cunted Sunday releases is leaving 5* sarcastic reviews on TripAdvisor, or complaining to someone like Mcdonalds that they don’t sell the Big Tasty all year round. I thought I’d give it a go. I haven’t read up on the science of it but you’d think these outrageous claims have been vetted by some pointless government authority or even Amazon.
I can’t say it’s had any adverse effect on me, but it certainly hasn’t had a positive one either. It’s basically like sleeping with a giant 9kg sandbag on top of you. It’s no more calming than dumping a well formed lump of excrement into the toilet pan.
Below are a collection of my most notable CUNTED SUNDAY PURCHASES.
Bullet Proof Vest
A truly great purchase which I still use to this day. While technically not being ‘Bulletproof’, it is stab proof and it possesses the pouches to insert the bullet proof plates to make it bullet proof. It was a long held ambition to own a bullet proof vest and CSP facilitated this dream. I often sink jars in it whilst poleaxed in my reclining chair, and I have worn it at every christmas dinner since it’s purchase.
Bagpipes
A great purchase in theory, but practically I have barely got round to using them. It’s a mission to get a sound out of these things, It just sounds like I’m administering CPR to a dead cat. I could look it up on youtube but what’s the point, even if I turned out to be the best in the world. What the fuck can I earn from playing bagpipes?
Breathalyser
Always fancied a breathalyser to see how far I could blow over the limit without being arrested. Granted, this was a cheap pile of shit which was incredibly inaccurate, but I am absolutely certain people use these on the basis of whether they can drive home from the pub or whatever. Quite worrying if you actually care about such things. I am definitely going to buy an accredited one in future.
On a similar scale, I recently purchased a rape alarm. I was interested to see the scale of noise these things emit. When they work, I can see their effectiveness. The problem is, this fucking police accredited one I bought decides when it will work. Not much help when you have a rampant Rolf Harris coming at you.
Ice Skates
I finally succumbed to the desire to sink jars with reckless abandon in ICE SKATES a few years ago. I got a good price on them as well, mainly because they were about four sizes smaller than my actual feet. It was a fucking mission walking more than a few yards in them, but I was able to wear them in my chair whilst drinking heavily. They have been in the shed ever since but I achieved my dream.
Burka
I always fancied owning and wearing a burka, if only to see what the fuss was about. The conclusion I came to was that it is a very impractical piece of lounge wear. Having a piss is an ordeal and it’s very awkward having a drink with the headpiece on. I wore this during christmas lunch this year and it remains to be seen when I will wear it again.
Merchandise
For some reason a cunted Sunday purchase often follows with a hat purchase. I have no idea why because I very rarely wear hats. The most notable would probably be a cricket helmet and top hat.
The cricket helmet was a solid £35 purchase from DW Sports (Dave Whelan is a fucking cunt) and I have never even played the game. It was purely so I could mince about the house in it, much like the top hat I purchased purely so I could drink whisky and watch RAYMOND REDDINGTON go about his business in The Blacklist.
There have been many cunted Sunday merchandise purchases. Countless t shirts and the like have been purchased. Most notably my I (Heart) Judy Murray t shirt. A t shirt I hold close to my heart.
Sometimes my cunted Sunday purchases are practical. I have always used a rowing machine to exercise to avoid attending the gym.
There is very good reason for this. To the best of my knowledge, I have only ever attended a proper gym once in my life. The gym in question was Bannatynes on a guest pass. You probably couldn’t pick a place more ripe with the archetypal person I despise the most.
I witnessed one bloke flexing and staring at every inch of himself in the mirror for everyone to see, some bloke making some fucking inhuman noises like he was giving birth, and some bloke running sprints with a determined look on his face like he was warming up for a premier league game for fuck sake.
I think the bloke flexing in the mirror was like children who cover their eyes whilst playing hide and seek and think no one can see them. Either that or he wanted people to see him. I don’t know what’s worse.
I’m going to open a gym one day that only operates for two months of the year. January and February. Sell two month passes and close it in March when all the fat cunts stop coming.
My point is, in 2012 I purchased a Concept 2 Rowing Machine for £1,039.99 cunted out of my skull on a Sunday. This is the best of the best rowing machine in the world, and roughly going off the monthly Bannatynes membership fee for the years since I purchased, I am sitting on a net gain of circa £2700. With the added bonus that I do not have to surround myself with the sickening parasites that attend the gym, and I can still sell the fucking thing for a couple of hundred pounds.
To date, I have accrued 12,913,377 lifetime metres on it. Meaning, I have violently made love to Judy the rower for over 8000 miles. All this without having to endure the protein shake brigade.
One of my favourite Cunted Sunday Purchases was a watch repair kit. Again, practical and it has saved me from being made to feel like I am inconveniencing someone from Timson for giving them fucking business.
A Cunted Sunday Purchase is made virtually every week and long may it continue.
The Groans of an Eternal Pessimist 