Annoyances – Part 2

The time has come to publish part two of my annoyances trilogy. It doesn’t take much to piss me off to be honest. I could compile a scripture the size and detail of the bible if I really put my mind to it.

I keep a document within Google Docs and generally update the utterly ridiculous things that happen to me, or the things that violently piss me off as I go along. I will then expand on it at a later date when I can be bothered.

The first thing I noticed when I returned to this document after a while, was the opening paragraph I had written whilst on the toilet at Cardiff Central.

“Sitting on a toilet in the train station at 8:45 am and there’s shit smeared on the door. What is the fucking point?”

This would have been in relation to a trip to Cheltenham Racecourse. In theory this should have been a jubilant time, i should have been absolutely bubbling with enthusiasm to sink jars on the train, before going to watch some magnificent beasts in action.

It never works like this though. I generally avoid doing anything i supposedly like in order to avoid the aftermath after doing it.

The Cheltenham Festival for example. It’s genuinely the best week of the year. However, I cannot STAND actually going there. For some reason, year on year, I do – For at least two days. The place is absolutely fucking sickening during festival week. Utterly disgraceful, clueless wankers dressed head to toe in tweed clogging up the bars and toilets.

The beer on offer is only marginally preferable to the taste of aids, and you can see absolutely fuck all. I find the fact people attend events because of the “atmosphere” absolutely fucking baffling. I would pay ten times the price of entry to be alone in silence, with a decent view and access to a bar and toilet.

I actually prefer Glamorgan Cricket doing absolutely shit because no one turns up. When we are doing shit, I can put my feet up, stroll to the bar without queues and sit there in relative contentment hoping to get smacked in the temple by the ball. When we are doing well, the world and his dog turn up and it is a heaving, distressing fucking mess.

I think i’m going to retire from attending Cheltenham in March until people stop going, or i can afford a box to myself.

Psychics/Mediums

I have had many conversations with people who visit and swear by the prophecies of ‘psychics’. This is right up there with the things in the world which angers me the most.

I’m sure some of them are deluded enough to think they are speaking to spirits, but the vast majority aren’t. They are despicable fucking charlatans preying on desperate grieving people. All they say is generic mundane bollocks which can apply to anyone on earth.

The converted will literally bend anything this charlatan has said to fit them. “Oooo Sandra didn’t mention that, but maybe when she said i can see a new arrival, it meant a Ford Focus, not a child”.

The human mind will always try to connect the dots. I’m sure people sit in their cars and relate a love song on the radio to a previous relationship. Tears flooding down their face as they relate every lyric to their own situation wondering what might have been. In reality, the song has been written by a fat balding music producer in his 40’s.

There’s this bloke in america called James Randi. He is a paranormal sceptic and for years he has offered a prize of one million dollars if any psychic can prove their powers in a scientific environment. Strangely enough, no one has ever fucking done it. What an easy days work that is. Go there, prove your powers, earn a million and you are immediately one of the most valuable assets in the world.

The resistance I often encounter when I abuse these con artists is “It does no harm if it brings them comfort.”

Using this logic, and if they are doing no harm – shall I go round a lonely old ladies house every week, keep her company, cheer her up and then nick a £20 note from her purse as i leave?

It’s an absolute disgrace. They should either be taxed at 99% or be thrown in jail.

Mass Protests

The concept of people taking to the streets and protesting (in this country) has always baffled me. Nothing ever comes of these fucking pointless exercises. None of these cunts think “Oh shit i better change my ways, a few students in Che Guevara t shirts and a 63 year old dinner lady are out protesting – they must mean business”.

It’s something great to put on Facebook though isn’t it. Look at me pointlessly marching about with my placard made out of a cereal box.

The latest protests en masse were against DONALD TRUMP. I’m not even sure what they are protesting about to be honest. I suspect it is because he’s said a few nasty words in the past.

My issue with Donald Trump is that he is yet another deluded narcissistic cunt who made his way into a position of power.

He’s not even a good businessman, he is absolutely useless. He has been bailed out countless times by banks and his father. He is purportedly worth $3 billion which is absolutely fucking pathetic considering he inherited the equivalent of $400 million in today’s money.

I’ll stick up for the fucking idiot here though. I wonder how many of these cunts were out protesting when Mugabe, Gadaffi, the Saudi’s etc were in town. I suspect not very many.

Technically, the bloke is only guilty of being a brain dead fucking idiot. I still harbour hopes of him making one too many mistakes and getting the world blown up. So I am keen that he remains in power.

The greatest gift you can possibly be given in life above anything (ANYTHING) is to be born a deluded fucking cunt with zero self awareness. They are fucking bomb proof. Donald Trump and Piers Morgan are prime examples of this.

The Term “Common Sense”

Writing about Donald Trump reminded me of how baffled i have always been by the words “That’s just common sense”. Common sense simply doesn’t exist because the majority of people don’t fucking have any sense, so it’s not fucking common in the slightest.

It’s nothing to do with academic achievement either. It’s just doing logical things as standard and not doing fucking bizarrely stupid things. I’m sure there are astrophysicists out there who can’t boil a fucking egg.

One of the only things I like about human beings is that they are very predictable. I absolutely love a world crisis. Especially in investing. The panic sets in, the hysteria unfolds, everyone sells and you get a 50% discount on a completely unaffected stock for absolutely no apparent reason.

It’s the same as when it snows and people flock to the shop to buy bread and milk. Or bottled water in a heatwave as if it doesn’t come out of the fucking tap.

Nosey People

Nosey people are nothing short of a fucking disgrace. Most of them don’t even bother trying to be inconspicuous about it either. They will literally stand there motionless, gormlessly staring.

I find this behaviour absolutely fucking UNFATHOMABLE. There is something seriously wrong if people are fascinated by a random person having some building work done or something. “Ooo there was a police car outside number 65 last night”. Was there? GOOD. I hope it was something serious.

What reminded me of my utter disgust for nosey people was a bloke down the road. He is out cleaning his shitty fucking Volvo virtually every day. I don’t even know what make it is, but it looks like an absolute pile of shit.

He’s always out there patrolling his pride and joy, scouting out anyone who goes anywhere near it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has cameras locked on it twenty four hours a day in case someone tries to harm or steal the absolute heap of shit.

What a shame it would be if i piss all over it when i’m strolling back from the cricket cunted one day.

People should be more like the Chinese couple who live in the street opposite him. I fucking love them. They are always out running round the estate fully clothed. Jacket, jumpers, trousers, the works.

They have recently polished their car with a brillo pad or wire wool and absolutely ruined it. It’s just a shame it wasn’t that wankers shitty Volvo.

People Going to DIY Stores

This is easily my most famous annoyance. It has and forever will absolutely mystify me why people actively seek out, and actually enjoy going to DIY stores.

I avoid these places like the plague unless I really have to get something. My heart sinks when I am forced to attend these sickening detention centres. Without fail, there will be at least one cunt in dirty clothes with a pencil behind his ear pretending he knows the score. Dithering over the price of some fucking compost or something.

It’s not even these type of people which annoy me the most. In my head, the archetypal type of person i imagine WASTING their time in a DIY store of a weekend is people who have caught the “DIY bug” and make frequent trips in order to buy some pointless irrelevant shit like a curtain rail for their shit house. It sends me cold. Fuck off. Just fuck off.

People Throwing Food out Because the Packet Says It Has Gone Off

This practice really winds me up. Firstly, we live in the most pathetic health and safety culture possible. You can’t even go on the swings without wearing a helmet these days.

With this in mind, there is absolutely no way whoever makes these dates up is going to leave any margin for error in their calculation. If something is tagged as going off on January 1st, it probably actually goes off in fucking June.

It’s not like the food knows is it. “Oh shit, it’s the 9th October, I’d better go out of date now”.

I fished a two day out of date Paella from the bin recently because it winds me up so much. Funnily enough there was absolutely fuck all wrong with it.

Secondly, if you do end up getting food poisoning – Who fucking cares? You get to spend a few days pissing liquid from your arse, mouth and eyes. A victory in my book.

They say out of date things give off an aroma of aids and you should just smell it. The problem with that is, I don’t have a sense of fucking smell.

Finally, there are only nine turkey dinosaurs in a pack these days, as opposed to ten. I cannot believe this has not been big in the media, as it’s a national disgrace.

Video Assistant Referee (VAR)

I think this latest addition to football is the final straw for me. For a start, the stupid cunts still can’t get decisions right even with the benefit of video replays.

An even bigger problem is the stoppages. Football is not designed to be stopped every 30 seconds. I love cricket, and it works in cricket because cricket is played at a slow pace and there are loads of stoppages any way.

The biggest problem is that you never know when a goal is a goal. You can never truly celebrate a goal until after a shitty VAR check by a bunch of fucking idiots in a studio wearing full kit.

Messi scored a goal when I was at the Nou Camp this season and it was given offside, FIVE minutes later, they decided it was onside. It’s not the same and i felt violated.

Football is absolutely fucked anyway and this just confirms it. I am done with the game when Lionel Messi retires.

Road Rage

I really don’t understand road rage. I couldn’t give a fuck if someone cuts me up or doesn’t let me out. I have never beeped the horn in anger in my life. People have made me slam the breaks on, almost killed me and I barely have a physiological reaction, let alone beep a pathetic little horn.

I was privileged enough to witness a road rage event a while back. Waiting at the lights, a van cut ahead of this car as they were stationary.

The bloke in the car started beeping his horn and shouting out of his window. He then got out of the car (a fat bloke who must have been in his fifties) WADDLED over to the driver side of the van (with his arse hanging out of his trousers) before the lights turned green. The van turned left, fatty waddled back to his car and set off in pursuit.

He was going so mental you could see his head shaking from side to side with the car rocking. He then took a roundabout at speed, almost toppling the car over and carried on the pursuit. I never got to see the conclusion of this as I went straight on, but I genuinely hope he caught up with the van and the bloke in the van fucking battered him to within an inch of his life. Or he had a fatal heart attack.

Almost as bad as road rage is driving itself. Constantly having to think for other people. This is usually because they are on their phones. It’s worse than drink driving. At least pissed up cunts try to pay attention.

Random People Asking Why I Don’t Smile/Speak

I have been asked this pointless question thousands of times by random people. There are many reasons why I don’t speak. I say what I need to say when I need to say it. I don’t do small talk because it is a complete waste of time. If this leads the majority of this pathetic, generic, fad following cluster cunt of a society deeming me unsociable and boring then so be it. It could also be because the person asking the question is a completely irrelevant, boring cunt.

On the subject of smiling. I think I have one of those resting bitch faces and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m unlikely to be smiling in public anyway because i hate it, but why the fuck would I be strolling round beaming for no reason anyway? Only the other day I was beaming away because someones whole fence had fallen down. THAT is worth smiling at, smiling at some random person for absolutely no reason isn’t, and that’s the end of it.

I will use the comparison of the two best managers in the Premier League. Pep Guardiola and Jurgen Klopp.

Give me Guardiola and his intense, obsessive personality over Klopp and his perma grin any day of the week. I don’t know, maybe I’m biased because I’m also an obsessive, intense, perfection seeking freak whose only way to relax is being unconscious.

That is where the similarities end though. I don’t have his ability, I don’t earn 15 million a year and i’m not bald.

I always wonder what is behind the permanently loud, enthusiastically smiley specimens like Klopp. I can just imagine him gormlessly laughing like those Beavis and Butthead characters at stuff like people burping and farting. Then crying himself to sleep at night because not enough people have liked his Facebook post.

I have been trying to reach this euphoric, mong like state recently by vaping CBD oil. I have been vaping full spectrum, 500mg CBD. Per tank there is about 65mg of CBD which should be more than enough to release its magical benefits.

I am pretty much throwing my chances of an endorsement deal out of the window here, but it doesn’t touch the sides of violent physiological anxiety symptoms, it doesn’t even relax me. I will continue with it but I have been deeply disappointed with it up to now.