The Life Path

Before i start, i suppose it’s important to state that i don’t hate absolutely everyone on Earth. I like ‘loads’ of people, even some of the people i’m about to moan about. I’m not even specifically targeting anyone. I don’t even care what path people take, it just absolutely baffles me, because the conventional path that virtually everyone in one way or another follows (in my opinion) is FUCKING SHIT.

I have always worked off the basis that 90% of people on earth are absolutely disgraceful. Sounds a lot on the face of it, but based on current population levels – it equates to around 770 Million people who aren’t utterly despicable.

The 10% is a weighted average which takes into account kids, who like a benign tumour, might yet turn into something more sinister, as well as people who are unable to defend themselves. I have had countless arguments over this, so i have kindly adjusted the figure from 99% to 90%. I think i am being more than generous.

It is important to stress that i am one of the 90%, i’m probably one of the worst. My life is absolutely shit as well, but that is of my own making and i only have myself to blame. I’m not conforming to society to fit in, i’d rather have AIDS.

I think old people make up the majority of the 10%. I fucking love old people, as most of them haven’t got a clue what’s going on. I especially love them on the roads. Driving on the wrong side of the road, going through red lights, mounting curbs and pulling out in front of you at 10mph. Recently, i walked past an old woman in Asda whilst pushing a trolley and she told me that i was a “Good boy for doing the shopping”. This not only filled me with immense pride, but also highly amused me for hours later.

Only the other week, ‘Prince’ Phillip turned his range rover over and into a hedge whilst driving aged 97. That is one hell of an effort. You’ve just got to admire that behaviour.

They are polite and normally have a decent sense of humour. They also stroll about well dressed. Slick back hair, suits, the works. You won’t catch them smearing green slime like avocado on toast and classing it as a meal either.

I can’t wait to be old and decrepit if i’m unlucky enough to make it that far. Drink heavily all day in a chair, bet on horses and wait for your heart to stop. It might even make all of this shit worthwhile.

Of course, some young people are alright as well. Only the other month this young curly haired ginger lad with specs politely asked me to get a pepsi max off the top shelf at sainsbury’s. I am more than happy to help lads like this. I’m pretty sure this lad will be alright until he at least hits puberty. I didn’t have the heart to explain to him in great detail how utterly heartbreaking life will be unless he’s incredibly delusional or has zero self awareness.

Then we have top, top lads like Ray off the undateables. For once i am not being sarcastic.  The bloke is a truly great man and he would genuinely be in the top five people in the world that i would choose to sit on my dream dinner table. He’d be the only one who could verbally communicate as well. Not a bad bone in his body and the despicable creatures that populate this earth can learn a lot from him.

I have partaken in some of the stuff i am about to moan about. I don’t care, i will try anything within reason once – bar having a beer with Jose Mourinho.

I often wonder whether i would trade all the violent anxiety just to be content with all this heartbreaking bollocks and just conform. When it comes down to it i don’t think i would.

If anyone is remotely offended by this blog either personally or on behalf of others, or you are incapable of understanding satire – FUCK OFF and watch Love Island. Cheers.

The Life Path

I will skip through Primary school. I quite enjoyed it, but i suspect this was the innocence and ignorance of youth and not knowing what life had in store.

We then move onto secondary school when it all kicks in. A fucking disgusting new environment with untold distress with meeting new people, small talk and generally too many human beings all at once. This is when the process of trying to be perceived to be ‘cool’ comes to the forefront.

This causes all sorts of problems. As a side point, the word ‘cool’ is genuinely one of the most sickening words ever created. Sends me cold even writing it.

The only thing that changes through time is the style at which people go about it but nothing has changed, everyone originally aspires to be a RUFFIAN.

I watch kids these days and they genuinely don’t look well. They all stroll about in exactly the same clothes, the same fucking hair cuts, the same trainers and they all walk like they’ve just shat themselves. Whoever started the current trend of wearing nine sizes too big jogging tracksuits is a fucking genius. No wonder JD Sports and Sports Direct are thriving.

I think they are trying to relate to these rappers they idolise. The problem is, no matter what you wear, how you speak – you still fuck off home to your four bed detached house and get tucked in at night in your onesie.

The aspiration of youth to become the biggest prick possible has always baffled me. I never tried to be like it, it just happened naturally.

The first point of rebellion and sticking out amongst your peers is SMOKING. There’s always some ‘legend’ (probably a more sickening word than cool) boldly smoking a cigarette outside the school gates like he’s the dogs bollocks, not giving a fuck whether he’s spotted by teachers or god forbid the local ‘PIGS’.

I am often asked why i don’t smoke if i want to die. The simple answer is cost. It costs like £12 for a fucking pack. If it cost a pound a pack like it does in Singapore i’d probably be all over it.

One thing i am incredibly grateful for is that i didn’t grow up in this current era. It is a 24 hour a day society, especially for kids.

I feel physically ill every time i have a notification on my phone, fuck being on social media as a teen and being hounded by one of these aforementioned ruffians for my West Ham velcro wallet or tamagotchi.

People love it though. Absolute fucking hysteria the other week when O2 data was down and people couldn’t get on facebook to like some fucking bellends inspirational quote after splitting up with their boyfriend or something. It must have been absolutely devastating not finding out the latest thing Piers Morgan was completely wrong about.

Moving along the food chain, the time comes to go down the park and SINK CIDER. This usually involves a bunch of little shits listening to Tupac next to some children’s playground, and lobbing stones at old aged pensioners houses whilst pretending to be pissed up. I don’t think i had the popularity to be a mainstay in this division, which is understandable because i’m a cunt, but i genuinely preferred stealing my brothers spirits and playing championship manager.

Around this time also sparks a revolution by a select few to become MOSHERS. I’m not even sure if this is a thing any more. It is fucking bizarre all the same. This rebellion leads to people walking round in slipknot hoodies looking like they are dead.

All of this leads up to the ‘glory years’. Everyone waits with bated breath to reach to age of 17 so you can drive a HEAP OF SHIT about on a road populated by absolute CUNTS (pensioners who are all over the shop aside).

The time has arrived. Something like a Citroen Saxo. Not any old citroen saxo, it’s a customised citroen saxo. The customisation of these fucking pathetic cars has always fucking baffled me.

Why ANYONE thinks that having an exhaust that sounds like a ferrari on these shitty granny cars is a good idea is beyond me.

Driving around in the monstrosity with one of those sub things in the back vibrating away, electrocuting your insides as you blast out S Club 7. Lets not forget the tinted windows and spinning chrome hubcaps or the revving of the engine as girls walk past either. I still see this happening, and they still look like absolute fucking bellends.

It’s pretty obvious that cars are absolutely horrendous investments. So why do so many people buy fancy cars? – it couldn’t possibly be to impress their nosey neighbour Joan or their pretentious mates could it.

Sometimes, i think it would be nice to drive a car where the wheels and doors didn’t feel like they were going to fall off at 70mph, but where’s the fun in that.

I would probably still drive a shit car if i was a billionaire. You can smack into posts, walls, curbs and all sorts without giving a shit. You can also drive off if someone smacks into the back of you without a care, or having to deal with them as well.

The sooner driverless cars come in the better.

The journey into adolescence

We now move onto ‘clubbing’. I have always had a massive problem with this shit and no one will ever convince me otherwise, there is not one single positive to it.

First of all, you have to queue up and pay to get in. You are then at the mercy of some fucking bellend on some weird power trip as to whether you have ID or are sober enough to enter the fucking shithole.

Then you get inside and it’s full of fake tan wearing wankers in v neck tops clogging up the bar ordering blue WKD’s. You then patiently wait to be served, occasionally being smacked into by some fat obnoxious cunt whilst sweat drips down onto you from the rafters. You eventually get served and ordering a pint seems to be the equivalent of threatening to murder their children or something.

The most concerning thing about being in night clubs is that there are people there seemingly sober enjoying themselves. Dancing the night away completely sober. Unbelievable really.

“You don’t need to drink to have a good time”

Absolute bollocks said by the same people who are the life and soul of the party whilst screaming and beaming at every opportunity.

They are all more insecure than a spotty teenager. They all go home and cry themselves to sleep. If they don’t, they have one hell of a mid-life crisis approaching them.

All of this nicely leads to the participation of 18-30 holidays. I never went on an 18-30 and it was with great regret. I would absolutely love to go on one now and be filmed in the process. It would be a decent show, with me standing there motionless at a foam party being battered by pissed up 17 year olds from Stoke on Trent.

It looks like i will never get to achieve this dream as they have been mercilessly scrapped.

Apparently, this is down to something called ‘ego travel’ and people wanting to appear all cultured by posting snaps on social media of exotic locations. To a bunch of cunts who COULDN’T GIVE A FUCK where they are.

All of this this ties in with people taking countless photos of absolute bollocks just to keep up some weird persona that they are all cultured and grown up.

One of the swanky hotspots these disgusting little narcissists go to these days is Dubai. There is more culture in the piss, sick, blood and shit stained gutters of Zante than Dubai for fuck sake. You can have that for free.

University

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to university.

Some go to further their mind, become a useless, incompetent, lazy, overpaid ‘accident’ claims lawyer or something. But the majority don’t, and i wish they would just be fucking honest about it.

The real reason people go to university is to get pissed up every night, go out and get an STI or AIDS through casual sex.  Or in the words of Gareth Keenan – “CATCH KNOB ROT OFF SOME TART”.

There is nothing wrong with this, just be honest and stop pretending that your 2:1 in performing arts has enhanced your capabilities to work in HR or some other made up, shit profession.

Berkshire Hathaway, with a market cap of $500 Billion – does not have a human resources department. It is made up SHIT to protect USELESS CUNTS from getting sacked on the spot. I am not a fan of HR.

Once university is out the way, the time has come to ‘settle down’. I suppose it’s time to focus on the important things in life like what day to put the bins out or saving up to go on some shit holiday.

Lets not forget climbing the employment ladder. I see these lads all the time. If you use your laptop in a fast food restaurant you are an absolute bellend. Ooo look at me i’m so hard working i have to use my laptop in Mcdonalds.

The same goes for the train. I have sat behind multiple people on trains and looked at their screens. They are invariably doing absolutely fuck all bar having a spreadsheet up so people can see how important they are. Utterly pathetic.

These are usually the same people who moan about how busy they are. Being an incompetent, lazy cunt is not the same as being busy.

Marriage

In the top 3 worst investments in the world, along with children and cars – no one will ever convince me of the relevance of marriage.

It is just customary bollocks really, isn’t it. Starting with the day itself, it is just another dick measuring exercise to show off to people you probably don’t even like.

Apparently, the average cost of a wedding in the UK costs £30,000. This actually pleases me, it pleases me because i enjoy seeing people piss money up the wall.

Breaking down what you get for 30 grand. In summary – 30 grand to dress up in a suit/dress, sign a piece of paper and have an incredibly shit party at the end of it all.

And what the fuck is the deal with the food? Why is it always a SHITTY ROAST DINNER. Don’t get me fucking started on roast dinners. Why can’t you have burgers and chips or something – not that inane shrivelled up drivel.

If you are that desperate to have someones name, CHANGE IT BY DEED POLL – it costs as little as £9.99.

I could sort of understand it if it actually led to something worthwhile. The pain before the gain and all that. It doesn’t though does it. I can’t think of much worse than spending a lifetime with the same person.

Even spending one day with the same person fills me with uncontrollable rage. I would even refuse Judy Murray’s hand in marriage if it meant i had to spend every waking hour with her.

It’s all bollocks. Treading on eggshells 24 hours a day, having to lie to avoid world war three. Does this dress make me look fat? No, the fact you are fat makes you look fucking fat i’m afraid.

I always wonder if most people who have been married for a significant period of time absolutely despise each other anyway, they are just together because they are petrified of being alone.

A line in a book i read recently said: “in the end, love is stronger than fear”. It isn’t though is it, thinking of your beloved Margaret with a gun pointed to your head is not going to give you the adrenaline kick to react like Jack Bauer.

The ‘Property Ladder’

I am absolutely sick to death of this nation’s desire to buy a fucking house and get on the ‘property ladder’. In the news virtually every week i have to endure some dick head on the verge of tears because they are unable to buy a house.

Yes, it’s a decent investment, but at the end of the day – you are buying a tonne of fucking bricks with a few partition walls inside. It is not the be all and end all.

The extent that people are willing to go to in order to conform to this weird british obsession is signified by the previous 120% mortgages on offer during the property boom. Any one who takes out a 120% mortgage deserves to go skint. You might as well buy a fucking caravan.

Assuming you are lucky enough to get on the property ladder, your dreams have been realised. You’ve picked up the keys to some three bed semi. What the FUCK are you going to do then? – Work all week to pay for some curtains or dining room table you will never use?

This is epitomised by those adverts about beagle street with some pathetic couple in their late 20’s who have bought their first home and are discussing where to get life insurance with giddy enthusiasm. I don’t know whether it’s because the actors are so incredibly bad, but it genuinely makes me want to cry.

Needlessly having a child

I don’t wish kids any harm or anything, i just do not understand why it is so popular to have them. They are needy, irritating and you won’t get any thanks off them for the whole time you are lumbered with them. I wish my mother had this same mindset.

They are a fucking terrible investment unless they turn out to be a genius. What is the deal with speaking to them in a fucking weird gaga voice while frothing at the mouth as well, for fuck sake. It sends me into absolute rage, they haven’t got a fucking CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON. Pull some fucking faces or something, just fucking shut up.

It’s probably worth mentioning Michael Jackson at this point. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING?. If there are parents out there who willingly let their child sleep in the same bed as a melted faced, freak of nature for a few free holidays then what is the fucking point.

Only this week I’ve been searching for people with Michael Jackson tattoos and pissing myself.

Reaping the rewards of the life path

I am very rarely 100% serious, but the archetypal life does genuinely make me absolutely fucking sick.

If you play your cards right and do all the hard yards, you will eventually reach the pinnacle of life – You will be able to comfortably afford to holiday in CENTER PARCS.

Center Parcs attracts the worst type of people going. 90% of them are stuck up, pretentious, wanna be upper class dick heads.

There they are having the time of their lives with their perfect families, holding hands with matching mountain warehouse rucksacks. They look for a pleasant spot to rest their legs, have a wonderful waitrose picnic and take photos which they will forever treasure.

I have CLATTERED to the floor/into hedges countless times in front of these people whilst heavily intoxicated on my bike at Center Parcs. I may be a tragically pathetic cunt, but I would ONE HUNDRED PERCENT prefer to have no arms and legs than be like them. Yeah, FUCK OFF and pay £30 to play badminton Tarquin.

For some reason i actually quite enjoy going to Center Parcs. Drinking four pint pitchers and going flying down the rapids unable to see should be an Olympic sport. Instantly more skilful than athletics as well.

I’m going to end this by highlighting the most pointless question in the world. HOW ARE YOU? Not like a how are you after you’ve fallen down the stairs or something, just a how are you in absolutely no fucking context. Do you really want to know? Because i can guarantee you won’t like the answer. Small Talk. Just fucking SHUT UP unless you have a relevant direct question. I have so much respect for people who can hold an arse quivering awkward silence.

I’m aware of the irony, but this is quote is one of the truest statements ever written: “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and success is sure.” – Mark Twain.

Fuck all this bollocks, i might become a life coach.

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