Annoyances – Part 1

I could write a book on the subject of annoyances, hence why this is part one. Below is part one of a compilation of annoyances which have angered me the most in recent times.

Mind Numbingly Pathetic People

I would like to focus on a particular episode of Watchdog i watched the other week. I thoroughly enjoy watching Watchdog, if only for ROGUE TRADERS, and i let A LOT of the utterly pathetic things people complain about go.

But, there was a woman on there the other week (IN THE FUCKING STUDIO) with a complaint about Domino’s pizza. It was her daughter’s much anticipated 18th birthday.

Obviously, such a momentous milestone has to be celebrated in style, with a piece of dough with melted cheese on top.

They looked through the menu salivating, before deciding on which pizza’s would complement this sure to be lifelong special memory. They made their order and were given a delivery estimate of between 35-40 minutes.

At this point, my ears pricked – What possibly could have happened? , Had the delivery drivers foot slipped and he’d driven through the front porch? , Had they been given life threatening food poisoning? , Had they found human faeces within the base sauce? – No.

ASTONISHINGLY, despite numerous calls to Domino’s – the food turned up a WHOLE TWO HOURS LATER. Obviously, i’ve got tremendous sympathy with this. It must have been absolutely terrible.

Apparently, Domino’s have a new policy to compensate customers TEN POUNDS who receive their food a certain period of time over the specified delivery period. This was the point of her appearance on Watchdog as they had failed to compensate her ten fucking pounds, she was fucking livid.

This in itself is bad enough for me to complain about how utterly fucking pathetic she is, but it actually gets worse. The best part is, she was actually on there to brag about the fact she had been entangled in a dispute with Domino’s for SEVEN MONTHS and she had gone on there to brag about the fact they’d paid her after finally threatening to take them to court. All for a TEN POUND VOUCHER.

I honestly really struggle to comprehend how utterly fucking pathetic someone has to be to pursue something like this for SEVEN MONTHS and waste countless hours of time, and no doubt solicitors fees – for a TEN pound voucher, AND go on fucking TV to brag about it.

People Ringing Up/Texting Radio Stations

This is a phenomenon which has absolutely baffled me for countless years. I can understand people ringing up and texting for competitions etc.

That being said, it would take an absolute shitload of money for me to ring up and act all delighted to the dick head presenter live on air. This is the problem, even if i’d won 100k and was delighted inside i wouldn’t be able to express this in words, i’d probably grunt and nod my head or something.

I was gonna start doing that postcode lottery before and aside from the fucking pathetic odds, i remembered that i’d seen people open up envelopes as low as a fucking grand.

Imagine having some over exuberant, expectant cunt knock on your door at 7am, shove a camera in your distressed face and you open up £1500.

Anyway, what i really cannot understand is people ringing/texting a radio station and giving a TRAFFIC UPDATE or announcing what they are doing on the weekend. Firstly, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. Secondly, most of these people have PAID 50p plus to share this information.

Granted, some tweet or get called back but a shitload actually pay and the intention regardless is utterly bizarre. I honestly do not understand why anyone would go out of their way to contact a radio station to tell people they don’t know that there is a broken down lorry on the A470 – or what they are having for tea.

Some bloke rang up Capital this week to say he doesn’t think it’s weird to go in a supermarket to buy one item for fuck sake.

People Incessantly Taking Photos of Pointless Stuff

I have always struggled to understand why people take photos, even back in the days when people took far less and kept them in those utterly pointless photo albums which they never looked at.

These days it is fucking beyond. Obviously, aids ridden social media has a lot to do with it. Everyone wants everyone to see EVERYTHING they do.

Then there is the POLITICS involved in photo sharing. Sandra will like Barbara’s photo regardless of its content, so that Barbara returns the favour when Sandra posts the picture of her shit new lawnmower. It is an absolutely PATHETIC never ending cycle and it makes me physically sick.

I went to Barcelona recently to watch LIONEL ANDRES MESSI and it was on another level there. You couldn’t move without some stupid cunt taking some utterly pointless photo. Literally taking hundreds of photos of each other with the same people over and over again.

WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THESE PHOTOS, WHERE DO THEY STORE THEM AND DO THEY EVER LOOK AT THEM AGAIN?

I can understand taking a few photos of the pitch or in the museum if you do the tour, as i did myself. I am on about incessant, pointless repetitive photos.

I could be in an empty bar with one of my idols (Lionel Messi, Warren Buffett, Judy Murray for example) and i wouldn’t even acknowledge them, let alone approach them for a photo. If i was in their position i wouldn’t want some pissed up cunt approaching me so why should i inflict it on them.

You should never meet your idols anyway. Far from being my idol, i once got Frank Lampard’s autograph in the car park of a West Ham v Swindon friendly. I was an impressionable young lad and he looked at me like i was a piece of shit and it has always stuck with me. Incidentally he was right but what a fat cunt.

I have taken one ‘selfie’ (the word goes through me) in my life when i had mumps because i found it highly amusing.

A special mention has to go to the utter wankers whose first thought when someone is dying on the floor is to get their phone out and film it. Even i wouldn’t do this and i absolutely despise the human race.

People Leaving Bad Reviews of Pub Meals

I thoroughly enjoy leaving 5 star sarcastic reviews whilst heavily intoxicated on Trip Advisor. I have two pseudonym accounts dedicated to it. Yes, i am a pathetic man, but no one gets hurt. They get a five star review and i get my fix of entertainment.

However, i am absolutely nowhere near as pathetic as the people i am about to complain about. A while back i decided to actually read what people were seriously writing as reviews.

I decided to read the bad reviews and what people were expecting, and what caused them to complain.

It actually blew my mind what people had gone out of their way to complain about. I pretty much got addicted to reading them and i have read virtually every bad review of the pubs i am familiar with.

Reading through the reviews highly amused me, but at the same time they brought me to despair because i knew they were deadly serious.

There are hundreds if not thousands of people genuinely complaining about £8.99 two for one pub deals expecting some gourmet experience. I seriously do not understand what these people are expecting from their experience.

I’m not slagging off pub meals. I would prefer to eat at a pub than a Michelin star restaurant. But let’s be clear, eating in a pub is just a step up from putting a pizza in the oven.

Oh no my burger is slightly burnt, my steak is under seasoned and no one checked back to see if our meals were okay. It is staggering.

You can tell some of them are absolutely LIVID writing it. Gone home in a rage, loaded up the laptop and are TREMBLING with rage. Hands shaking, frothing from the mouth, the works.

There would have to be a human body part in my meal to go through the fucking arse ache of complaining about a meal.

I have come across some absolute classics. My favourite was some idiot who found the need to mention that he is head of customer service at some hotshot company and that he manages over a HUNDRED people and he would be APPALLED if any of his staff behaved like this.

He even slipped in the company turnover and proudly claimed he will be sending out an email out TO ALL OF HIS STAFF about his experience by way of a lesson of what not to do when dealing with customers.

If you’re such a high flyer – FUCK OFF to some poncey restaurant and spend £400 on some anaemic duck breast with some red wine jus on it you absolute embarrassment of a human being.

Black Friday

I am absolutely sick of people gushing over this trend. 90% of these deals aren’t very good deals at all and have had massive markup put on them prior to their magical discount. It is a common tactic supermarkets do with WINE. If anything, it encourages people to buy absolute shit they never would have bought in the first place.

If anything, it encourages people to buy absolute shit they never would have bought in the first place.

Just because there is money off something doesn’t mean it’s a good deal. The amount of times i have seen two of the same whiskeys together – One is 700ml and the other is 1000ml.

They are sometimes the same fucking price and i have seen countless people pick up the 700ml bottle because there is a little yellow sticker there saying there’s money off. I do not understand it.