A Journey into Veganism

Introduction

The time has come to try out being a Vegan for four weeks. Veganism seems to have grown in popularity in recent years and i have been meaning to try this out for a while. I am genuinely intrigued by this way of life.

I must admit, i do have a preconception (rightly or wrongly) that it is a self righteous SACK OF FUCKING SHIT – but my mind is completely open. So much so, i am worried that my body and mind will change, and i will transform into a positive, spiritual being at one with nature.

I have read various things. “I feel 10 years younger”, “I feel liberated”, “I’m more energetic than a teenager in a brothel”, “I’m slimmer than i was in my prime” – we will fucking see.

Another reason is the fact my diet is nothing short of atrocious. A typical meal would consist of SEVEN turkey dinosaurs, 400G of chips and beans. Another personal favourite is two rare rib eye steaks, chips and peppercorn sauce.

Recently, i have been getting VIOLENT acid re-flux. Meaning more often than not i will be sick with the velocity of a fire-hose every time i eat. I am told this is due to whisky consumption. Giving up whisky and alcohol is completely off the table, so hopefully veganism can do something to alleviate this.

I am fully aware that very few people, if anyone at all will read this blog, and i’m basically talking to myself. I literally couldn’t give a shit. In fact, i don’t want anyone to fucking read it.

Week One

In order to have any idea of what to cook/eat whilst being vegan, i purchased a vegan cookbook called BOSH.

Upon flicking through the book, it would appear that the vast majority of recipes include MUSHROOMS. It is a good job i like fucking mushrooms then, aside from the GREEN LIQUID SHITS they force upon me.

I have to admit, my heart absolutely sank when i saw the type of effort and fancy ingredients which go into making most of these recipes.

The first recipe i tried from the book was the MUSHROOM MINCE CHILLI. I can’t complain about this dish at all. I like hot food, i like beans, and apart from getting the residue from one of the scotch bonnets in my eyeball it was a success.

As the week progressed, unsurprisingly there was lot of fannying about. This attitude manifested itself with me simply not being fucked making anything, so resorting to baked potatoes with beans because i wanted to watch the cricket. It still counts.

Once i had rediscovered the GUMPTION to go through the arse ache to prepare something again, i made my new best mate ‘mushroom mince chilli’ again. This coincided with me tasting dairy free cheese for the first time. FUCK ME, this shit would not be out of place if it was force fed to prisoners during torture. It tastes like SWEAT and has the texture of solidified grated skin.

The worrying thing is, this block of vermin is used in a large percentage of the upcoming recipes. Great.

I also tasted Quorn Vegan sausages for the first time this week. For fuck sake. I have had vegetarian sausages in the past and they haven’t been that bad, but these were terrible. If i had to explain what the texture and taste of them were, i can only imagine them to be what congealed shredded paper (seasoned) from the bottom of a shredder bin tastes like. I even dropped one on the floor for the dog and even he wasn’t interested, and he eats his own SHIT for fuck sake.

On day six, i returned home from the cricket heavily intoxicated and a minor blip occurred. I opened the fridge and there was some left over egg fried rice in there. In a momentary moment of madness, i ate some of it. It was a minuscule amount, less than a 100g, and i have since severely reprimanded myself for it. I will still be well into the 90%’s of veganism during this experiment, which is a more than valid acid test – so fuck off.

Week one has told me that i’m going to have to resort to batch cooking for the rest of this experiment and that i feel worse than ever. People tell me the reason i feel so bad and am having violent green liquid shits is all the toxins leaving my plagued body due to my DELINQUENT diet. I can understand this logic so we’ll see.

Week 2

Another week has drawn to a close and the main feeling i have is that i’m absolutely fucking sick of the stupid fucking obscure ingredients that go into making the meals in the cook book. It goes without saying that loads of these items have been left out of the recipes because i literally haven’t got a clue where anything is in the supermarket.

I have wasted so much of my life trudging about supermarkets violently swearing under my breath trying to find even the most menial of stuff like anchovies, let alone weird pointless irrelevant bollocks like STAR ANISE, LEMONGRASS STALKS and CARDAMOM PODS.

It is also clear that loads of these dishes include PEPPERS. In my opinion, they are one of the worst food groups known to man. I really do not understand why they are included in so many recipes, they add absolutely nothing to anything. I have literally spent hours of my life picking peppers out of pre-made dishes like paella. They truly are a disgusting part of an already disgracefully dysfunctional vegetable family.

Due to the ordeal involved in sourcing ingredients and cooking meals, i decided to start BATCH COOKING meals. The first of these was ‘Creamy Mac and Greens’.

Sounds great on the face of it, it really does. The ‘creamy’ cheese sauce was made up of dairy free butter, plant based milk and that block of grated skin and sweat they try and pass off as cheese.

The greens consisted of BROCCOLI (which i like) and the magic ingredient to make it an irresistible game changer was MAPLE SYRUP.

I thought that this dish could get me through my experiment and be a main staple. Unfortunately, it was a terrible concoction of sickeningly sweet mush which made me violently sick after my first portion. The batch was made, the damage was done, and i forced this down my throat a few more times during the week.

The second batch cook for the week was ‘Rich and creamy Lasagne’. Again, how could i complain about this on the face of things? It sounds absolutely riveting. The heavenly ‘creamy’ sauce made out of that sweaty bar of soap they call cheese lathering over the irresistible ingredients.

I didn’t enjoy it at all. I suspect that this might have been down to the butternut squash. Acting within the boundaries of the fundamental principles of the bollocks people call ETHICS, i have tried my very best to include as many ingredients in the recipes (that i can find in the supermarket) so that i can be as TRUTHFUL, TRANSPARENT and FAIR as i can possibly be.

In this case, butternut squash has completely sickened me to the core. It is a bit like sweet potato, a very sickeningly sweet accompaniment that has grown popularity for absolutely no reason at all. My issue is probably the fact that i don’t like sweet things, but the texture of these things reminds me of when you take a bite of something and realise there’s a massive string of hair within it. Disgusting.

For some reason completely unbeknown to me, i imagined the lasagne sheets i was eating to be what flapping human flesh would taste like. The psychological impact of this and the sweet hairy crap making up the filling, i decided to draw a line under this meal and never eat it again.

Week two was rounded off by me violently vomiting up a mushroom mince madras curry in truly spectacular fashion.

Week 3

Week three has come to a close. To be honest, it has been just as disgraceful as the rest.

Continuing with the batch cooking (something which i will continue with) i had MUSHROOM MINCE CHILLI for the first three days this week.

This resulted in me having TWELVE tacos with the proceeds rammed inside them on day one. I pretty much enjoyed this meal. I like hot food, i like mushrooms, what can i complain about. I tell you what i can complain about -TACOS. Look, i like them and everything but they are just fucking awkward. An absolute mess. They are completely un-trustworthy. Awkward filling them, and they break like an albino with brittle bone disease.

Week three also coincided with me having salad for the first time as a deliberate accompaniment to a meal (to the best of my knowledge). Let’s be honest, no one actually likes this shit. It literally tastes like grass with no flavour whatsoever. If people genuinely think they like it, then i suspect it’s because it’s absolutely drenched in some sort of dressing. You like the dressing not the tasteless fucking salad. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks ‘You know what, i REALLY fancy salad today’.

I suspect it is another example of society being preconditioned to like or do something because it’s apparently popular or because everyone else does it. If some famous person started advocating eating your own shit i’m sure an absolute fuck load of people would follow suit.

I tried some different vegan sausages this week. They were more flavoursome that the other ones i tried. They were nicely spiced and tasted like a giant baked bean whilst resembling a shrivelled pensioners genitals. They even managed to shove peppers in these, jesus wept.

I also had a mushroom stir fry this week with some stir fry mix. Within this mix was CABBAGE. JESUS WEPT, cabbage is without doubt the worst food i have ever tasted. It tastes so wrong, it genuinely tastes like bile. It is a very nasty, sinister member of the vegetable family and it tastes like i’d imagine a rusty gate to taste like. If EXCREMENT tastes worse than cabbage i’d be very shocked.

The week ended with the household having a barbeque. The leftovers had me looking at the cremated remains of meat like Gary Glitter would through the gates of a primary school. The temptation can only be comparable to Adam and Eve in the garden of eden when they spotted those shiny apples.

The hardest part of this challenge is probably not craving meat, but when heavily intoxicated and you’re unable unable to have something quick and easy. I know i can have beans on toast or a baked potato or something, which i have during weeks when i’m sober, but when i’m cunted i’m too lazy to even do that. At times i have ended up having bread with dairy free butter, soy sauce and salt. RIVETING.

Week 4

The final and fourth week resulted in the biggest test of my integrity during the experiment.

During the week, i went out for a meal to a Thai restaurant. It would have been very easy for me to fall on my sword and end the experiment by having some deep fried dog and noodles, but i didn’t. I fucking soldiered on.

The menu arrived and the vegetarian options were sparse. I was under the pump, i don’t like being under pressure and i couldn’t decide what unappetising fucking CRAP i was going to choose. I decided on the ‘TAO HOO PAD KRAPRAW’. Bean curd stir fried with fresh chillies, garlic and basil.

I was delighted with my choice, for the name alone. I felt a sense of relief and ordered another Singha (fucking rubbish beer). About ten minutes later, i am approached, a menu shoved in front of me and told there is no bean curd available whatever the fuck that is.

There she was, standing over me expecting me to make a decision on what alternative CRAP i was going to order. I didn’t know, and i’m a quivering wreck at the best of times so i asked what alternatives there were to this curd bollocks as i had my heart set on this TAO HOO PAD KRAPRAW.

The first option given was aubergines and in a blind panic i agreed. FUCKING AUBERGINES. The dish arrived and the best way to describe the look and taste of it would be SLIMY GRATED SLUGS in sauce. In fairness, the sauce was very nice and i shoved all the slimy grated slugs down my gullet and moved on with life.

The final week also involved me having TOFU for the first time ever to accompany a stir fry. What a bizarre pile of crap this stuff it. I’m not sure how many forms you can buy this stuff in, but the form i had it was in some carton. I opened the carton and out flopped this slippery bar of soap like flubber, fuck knows if this is normal.

I didn’t really know what to do with this blubbering mess so i chopped it into some cubes and put it into the frying pan expecting it to firm up into something, it didn’t. All it did was flop about the pan like fucking slime before ending up like scrambled egg. People are having a fucking laugh if they like this, it literally tastes of nothing. I tasted it before and after it went in the pan, and even in the Thai restaurant as a vegetarian starter – it tastes likes flavourless blancmange.

Conclusion

The first conclusion to take from this experiment is that i lost weight. On the first morning of the experiment i weighed 13 stone and a bit of change, and on the morning of the last day, i weighed 12 stone 6 with some change.

This would appear to validate the claim that veganism is good for losing weight. But before i start breaking down in fits of tears over losing 8 pounds like a weight watchers slimmer of the week, i don’t really care.

It reminds me of that great quote from the philosophical mind of the supermodel Kate Moss –  “NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS”. What a load of fucking bollocks, i’ll have a kebab and 24 Estella’s thanks very much. I literally cannot wait to let go and become morbidly obese.

The main reason i wanted to try this diet was to see if it would give me more energy and give me a more positive, vibrant outlook on life like a lot of people claim. Whilst changing my negative mindset is pretty much an impossibility, i would have settled for the increased energy, if only for when i make love to my concept 2 rowing machine “Judy”.

Unfortunately, i do not feel any healthier or have any additional energy. In fact, i have felt weaker than Charles Logan was during his presidency on the tv series 24. This is backed up by the fact my times on Judy have fallen off a cliff, and she is fucking fuming.

I will continue using mushroom mince to cook stuff like chilli and curries. I bloody love mushroom mince and i genuinely prefer it to minced meat. There have also been dishes i have eaten and enjoyed, such as various pasta dishes – but i haven’t mentioned them because they aren’t really specific to veganism, they are incredibly boring and i really couldn’t be bothered.

Living as a vegan is a very inconvenient way of life. The incessant (military precision) checking of labels and searching of vegan validity is a fucking ARSE ache of immeasurable proportions. Life is heartbreaking enough without committing to do this shit for the rest of time. Obviously with time this will get easier, but for what purpose? – The majority of the stuff tastes like SHIT.

I completely get the animal welfare part, i would much prefer to execute a human being than an animal. I don’t doubt that there are countless vegans who are genuine, but i am also certain that an absolute shitload of them are virtue signallers.

I would also love to know why vegetarian/vegan food manufacturers make meat substitute sausages, burgers and chicken breasts etc. Why the fuck are you imitating meat products? Make your own shapes and textures. Use your imagination.

Anyway, i will not be converting to veganism. Another fucking wasted four weeks of my life.